New Year’s resolutions, for couples

There is no adequate number for how often couples should have sex, but I always encourage them to sign up once a week. Studies have shown that couples who maintain their sexual connection once a week are generally more satisfied in their relationships than couples who are not.

Sex produces a positive “post-glow” that lasts up to two days, which is related to the quality of the long-term relationship.

Spend time with each other

It’s easy to have fun at the beginning of a relationship, when things are new and exciting. “When we feel comfortable in our relationships and all the stresses of life come into play, that tends to go away,” sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “Keeping playing with the couple and having fun will keep you happier and satisfied.”

Needle also recommended doing meaningful things together, such as volunteering. “Spending time in return can create a deeper connection and can strengthen your bond with your partner,” he explained.

Be present

“Many of my partners talk a lot about their relationship to the point that they forget to be there,” sex therapist Sara Nasserzadeh said. “Put your intentions and efforts where they matter most, so you do a preventative job on the ‘cracks’ instead of waiting for them to become ‘ravines’ and then seek help.”

This work may include paying more attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues and subtle changes in their emotional state, said sex therapist Emily Jamea. “Look at what changes in your own body and emotional state tell you about what’s going on around you. This will improve the relationship bond and cultivate a deeper level of empathy that will lead to a deeper connection. with yourself, your partner and the world around you. ”

Practice presence with compassion

“Keep in mind and stay present when you involve your partner or when they try to get involved in anything, from schedule coordination, to finances, children, needs and desires,” she said. Yvonne K. Fulbright, a sexologist.

This means moving away from the computer, turning off the phone, and being fully present at the time. “Think about where your partner comes from in how information is communicated, compared to just jumping into the way your partner’s engagement style affects you,” Fulbright said.

“How can you alleviate your partner’s worries or anxieties, or simply acknowledge the situation and emotions in a way that fosters connection, compassion, and support?” added.

Argue respectfully

Whether you’re single or have a relationship, try to address conflicts from a place of curiosity instead of judging and blaming. “Making the decision to redirect stress to kind curiosity,” rather than thinking and judging in black and white, “is the fastest way to improve communication during conflict,” sex therapist Heidi Crockett explained.

Sex therapist Barbara Gold agreed. “If you and your partner treat each other with respect, you will lay the groundwork for a constructive and collaborative relationship formed by two people who have care and consideration, not only for each other, but also for the boundaries of others, ”he said.

When arguing, take steps to repair these arguments, advised sex therapist Deborah Fox. “Start with an apology for what you contributed to the argument, even if you think you are only responsible for 2% of what happened,” he said.

“Repair is also preventative because healing from the rupture helps create a sense of security with each other, which causes fewer sparks to ignite.”

Imagine the future

A dashboard of images, images and affirmations of your dreams and all the things that make you and your partner happy can be a fun way to sound together in the new year.

“A couple’s vision board is designed to empower you personally and as a couple,” said sex therapist Marissa Nelson. “And create dialogues about the things that really matter to both of you and about the things that you would like to work on and achieve together.

Go to the basement

Think of a relationship as a home. The main floor is where the action is: we eat, sleep, cook clean, argue, have sex, don’t have sex, and generally deal with all the problems that life throws at us. The main floor of life is often busy, practical, incessant, repetitive and crowded. We spend a lot of time on the main floor of life.

But we also have a basement, which is our emotional basement (both ours and the one we built with our partner). Residing in the basement is the vulnerabilities, traumas, primary emotions, and painful memories we want to immerse ourselves in and not think about. Compared to the main floor, the basement is dark and quiet and many things may have been put in it over the years.

On the main floor, we can discuss with a couple the defensive emotions of anger, frustration, anxiety, jealousy, and resentment. But downstairs, in the basement, we can feel hurt, lonely, embarrassed, careless, and unloved.

Learning to communicate from the basement, from a place of emotion and primary vulnerability rather than defensiveness and climbing, is at the heart of a healthy relationship.

And of course, do your best to …

Put your relationship first

“There are many ways in which couples can put their relationship first,” sex therapist Joanne Bagshaw said. “For example, demonstrating equity among partners when it comes to managing finances, doing housework and starting sex, and using humor to resolve conflicts and stay connected,” he said.

“These kinds of relationship-building strategies promote a first-rate relationship framework,” Bagshaw explained. “Wondering, ‘Is it good for my relationship?’ when it comes to making decisions or resolving conflicts, it’s a practical way to start a solution to put your relationship first in the new year. ”