The owner of the Skippy brand buys Mr. Peanut, without guarantee of its security

In what feels like a spiritually sinister movement, Yahoo! reports that Kraft sells the Peanut Planters brand to Hormel, which it also owns Junk mail and Skippy. The sale was made for a whopping $ 3.352 billion. Shit, that’s a lot of money. All those Mr. Peanuts, cultivated, sold and eaten. Baby Peanuts? Or maybe it’s Bart. Whatever your name is, man, I think you’re done. I see a mill in your future, unless we separate you from this contract.

Even before the pandemic, Kraft was struggling as customers began to move away from processed foods. It’s now wasting brands to focus solely on those that make money, like Lunchables. (Dining rooms. Who knew?) Last year Kraft separated Polly-O and Breakstone from French company Lactalis for $ 3.2 billion. That’s a lot of sour cream and ricotta, folks.

Selling planters in Hormel means Spam people get the full range of things, including Cheez Balls, Cheez Curls below Cheetos, trail mix, mixed nuts, and eternally cracked corn nuts.

Hormel’s prediction of giving the Planters brand some TLC, just as it did with Skippy when they bought it eight years ago. After some fuss, it got Skippy to become a centerpiece of the brand, investing in advertising along with new product lines like expression packs and sugar-free versions and extra protein from peanut butter.

Now, I have a proposal for you, Hormel: use the same machinery you use to grind peanut butter, but with Spam. What I see is a spam butter, which can be quickly spread on soft white bread and on people’s faces. Or maybe scraps of junk mixed in a trail mix to create a balanced meal. O a frozen pizza! There are stars and dollars in those eyes of mine, Hormel. Just trust me.