Dear readers: Every year, during this time, I move away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these “Best Of” questions (answers) from 10 years ago.
Today’s topic is: Unsocial media.
I also invite readers to subscribe to my weekly newsletter “Asking Amy,” at Amydickinson.substack.com, where I post a favorite Questions and Answers, as well as comments on what I’m reading, watching, and listening to.
I will be back with new columns next week.
Dear Amy: I have known the father and stepmother of a dear friend for many years. Recently, my friend’s father “friend” me on Facebook. At first I was happy, but he writes diatribes to almost anything he posts and has used obscene (somewhat “coded”) language.
It’s really weird and disturbing. I asked him not to use language, and he seems to have withdrawn a bit, but he spends too much time on Facebook and too much time “challenging” me on political and religious issues.
Without offending my friend, how can I avoid it?
Facebooked
Dear Facebooked: You’ve tried to influence that person to behave differently, but he’s an adult and can do whatever he wants. You can do that too.
You could “unsubscribe” or “block” it, but if you think this would cause additional dislike, you could limit your access to your posts.
You two would still be Facebook friends, but if you don’t see your posts, you won’t have much against things.
I don’t think there’s any reason to involve your (real) friend in this unless you’re worried about his father’s health. If this man contacts you asking why he doesn’t see all your updates, be honest and say his answers bothered you. Then accept the fact that you may not like this reaction.
(August 2011)
Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law “Wendy” uses Facebook to complain about her job, her boss, how much she feels cheated into being a working mother, and even the shortcomings of her new husband (my son), who apparently could not buy is a disgusting enough gift for Mother’s Day.
These posts create a kind of online character that makes her look cruel and she really isn’t. But the most embarrassing thing is that she’s Facebook’s “friend” with everyone in my family, and believe me, her posts are a topic of not-too-flattering gossip.
I’ve mentioned my son a few times when his posts have become offensive, and he’s trying to deal with them offline.
Worried mother-in-law
Dear concern: When your daughter-in-law posts her complaints, selfishness, or negativity on the public bulletin board that is Facebook, she runs the risk of ruining her personal and professional reputation. And this is your business.
When your complaint becomes family territory, this is your business.
There’s a soft, respectful “up” (for her) in order, that you should step back, adjust settings (both metaphorically and on Facebook) and stop reading your posts.
(September 2011)
Dear Amy: My father’s policy is at odds with the rest of the family.
He keeps sending us extreme and hateful articles. We keep asking him to quit, but when he drinks too much (which is almost every night) he will send us articles with messages like, “You won’t be so hard on me after reading this article in fact” (which isn’t).
I asked him to stop sending me political emails, but then he won’t talk to me for days.
Sometimes he won’t remember sending me anything (because of his drink) and his feelings hurt because he has no idea why I’m so hard on him. I try to take the road, but I won’t let him intimidate me either. What can I do to keep it from bothering me, other than taking it out of my life?
Desperate daughter
Dear daughter: You think these are offensive or unwanted emails, but I think it’s about drinking from your dad. You claim that your alcohol consumption is excessive enough for you to do things you don’t remember doing, and that your feelings get hurt when you (or others) react to your actions.
You should automatically delete your messages or send emails directly to your “spam” folder for regular review.
Has anyone in your family urged your father to ask for help to stop drinking? You can anticipate denial and / or belligerence when you do, which is not much different from how it relates to you.
(August 2011)
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