Suicide rates have risen sharply in recent years in the United States, and personal finance coach Tammy Lally of Washington is convinced that embarrassment associated with financial problems is one of the factors influencing this.
A brother of Lally committed suicide in 2007 after receiving a foreclosure notice. Shortly afterwards, Lally’s mortgage business fell in the midst of the 2008 recession.
She says she went from driving a Mercedes and living in front of the ocean to declaring herself bankrupt.
“I was devastated by the pain and sadness I was experiencing,” Lally recounts. “I didn’t tell anyone. I pretended nothing was going on.”
At one point she realized she was embarrassed, that she was a failure because of her financial problems. When she changed careers and became an economic advisor, she realized how harmful these perceptions are.
Some customers felt ashamed of their debts and even their wealth. Others lived beyond their means or “pretended to be important,” taking over the account in restaurants and going out to help everyone.
“I see all of my clients feeling embarrassed about the economic issue,” Lally says. “We live in a culture where money dictates what we are worth.”
The source of economic shame
We are born without knowing how to manage our money and everyone makes mistakes with their finances, according to Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, financial therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan. In addition, there are many factors beyond our control, such as the economy, current trends, and unemployment rates.
Often, however, people think that something is wrong with them if they face financial problems. They may feel stupid, immoral, lazy or unable to manage money. They also torture themselves by thinking about what they had to do and didn’t do.
“When we make mistakes with money or something happens to us, we tend to think it’s a personal bankruptcy,” says Bryan-Podvin, author of “The Financial Anxiety Solution.” “If you take it on yourself, it’s a good sign you’re embarrassed about financial matters.”
Economic embarrassment can drive us to spend too much “to keep up appearances,” not to think about our finances or criticize others who are also struggling, according to financial planner Edward Coambs of Charlotte, North Carolina.
“Shame makes us judge others,” Coambs says. “Because when we see people having difficulties, it makes us feel bad.”
Many therapists and researchers say that shame is not the same as guilt: We feel guilty when we did something wrong and we are ashamed when we think we are weak or have flaws.
There are people who believe they have so many flaws that they don’t deserve to be loved or related to others, according to Coambs. In extreme cases, one can even think of suicide.
“Shame is associated with losing relationships,” Coambs says. “It’s a way of saying you’re worthless and you don’t deserve to have a relationship with yourself or others.”
Shame and suicide
Suicides rarely have a single cause and researchers can only speculate on why suicide rates go up or down.
Some studies indicate that they tend to go up if unemployment rates rise and a 2020 study in the American Journal of Epidemiology indicated that financial problems have a big impact on suicide attempts.
But in the last two decades suicides have increased even in times of economic prosperity. The suicide rate rose 35% from 1999 to 2018, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
In 2019 they fell from 14.2 suicides per 100,000 inhabitants to 13.9. Figures for 2020 are not yet available.
Lindsay speculates that income stagnation and growing economic insecurity may be contributing factors.
Coambs points out that men’s suicide rates in the United States are three times those of women, which could be partly due to the fact that they feel the need to be the mainstay of the household.
“Men suffer more (with financial setbacks) because they tend to associate what they are worth with their income or wealth,” Coambs said.
What can be done about economic shame
All of this is worrisome. But suicides are preventable and the embarrassment associated with the economic situation can be controlled, according to financial therapists. The first step is to recognize what one feels.
“The first thing to do, and the most pragmatic thing, is to say things by name,” Coambs said. “Being able to describe what you hear in words helps start the process to relieve anxiety.”
Support is also needed. Being able to discuss financial embarrassment with someone you trust serves to keep the person from feeling so alone, Lindsay points out.
“A lot of people think they’re the only person in the world or the only person in their community who feels financial embarrassment,” Lindsay expressed.
You need to be compassionate with yourself and learn from your experiences. Ask him out well if he is no longer absorbed in the connection.
Lally talks about her experience on the TED Talk series and her presentation was viewed over 2 million times. It’s called “Let’s Be Honest About Our Financial Problems” and accompanies a book titled “Money Detox”.
“My mission is to get people talking about their financial problems,” Lally said.