If I had shared more deeply my persevering thoughts of annihilation, or perhaps if I had asked different questions, I might have felt listened to. As it was, I left his office and never returned.
Augenthaler says, “You should feel comfortable and feel listened to, and if you ever have the feeling of ‘You don’t understand me,’ it’s not the right therapist for you.”
Anne Nayor, licensed clinical social worker at St. Thomas, said better, “Therapists are not gods, they are just people and they make mistakes.”
I stayed away from therapy for 10 years, until the 24-year-old marriage was threatened by my husband’s betrayal. He promised the affair was over, but then refused to discuss it or acknowledge it, and I couldn’t go on without talking about it. The graduate counselor I found through my brother advised me to make my home a more relaxing place for my husband, and when I was more comfortable, I would be more open to talking about the affair.
This advice was wrong, but I didn’t know how to contradict the person with education and training. Instead, I turned on the suggested gas lights and stayed at my wedding while my husband happily continued his adventure.
Janice Seward, a doctor of clinical psychology, said: “Therapy has an inherent power differential and we are much more likely to give up things like our gut feeling when we are in a relationship where someone has the perception of power. It’s important keep trusting your gut, even if someone has a PhD after their name. If you feel like something is wrong, something is probably wrong. “
After a year of making my husband feel comfortable, my marriage finally exploded. This time I found the right analyst through a referral from a friend.
John Gyra, a clinical psychologist, helped me discover the truth about my marriage and heal myself. I also discovered why my previous therapists had not been so helpful: I needed someone with training and education to recognize the emotional abuse of my marriage. With his help and guidance, I gained the strength I needed to stand firm during my three-year deal negotiations. It pushed me to feel the anger I suppressed under the feelings of being a victim and to learn to work with those powerful feelings. He helped me find the words to have conversations with my kids about their father.
Finally, I felt seen and heard. Seward agrees with the rest of the professionals I interviewed. “It has been investigated what is really therapeutic and curative and what is the relationship between the therapist and the client.”
She advises you to seek help before waiting for a crisis to come. Keep in mind that what you are feeling may be normal, given the stressors of these times, but it may also be outside the bounds of what you can do alone.
Seward also says, “Thirty years ago there were three flavors of therapy; now there are five hundred.” If you work with someone with a license or registration, there will be a licensing board whose primary purpose is to ensure customer safety. It also sets a minimum standard that a therapist must meet.
There are also many “a la carte” online providers such as BetterHelp, TalkSpace and, if you are in Canada, Online-Therapy.com. There has been a paradigm shift since I last saw Dr. Gyra, almost 15 years ago. The help is made much more accessible and affordable.
Ask your doctor, friends, and family for recommendations. If you are working, contact the human resources or employee support department. Do not hesitate to talk to several therapists until you find one that you are comfortable with. Most will offer an initial 10 or 15 minute telephone conversation for free. Check out therapists ’websites, read biographical information, and look at their pictures to see if anyone resonates with you or if you specialize in the issues you think you have.