Not all men are guilty of sexually harassing women in the workplace and beyond. But all men play a key role in the broader effort to combat harassment of women, and it starts simply by talking about the issue with other men.
Not condemning sexual harassment (either verbal harassment or outright physical assault) can bode ill consequences for those close to you, as comedian Daniel Sloss explained in his 2019 HBO special comedy Parla in an unvarnished way about a friend who raped his friend and about how he did nothing about the myriad of warning signs that foreshadowed the horrible event. I could have acted, maybe just saying something to his friend who often displayed several red flags, but instead raised the danger.
Given the penetration of sexual harassment and assault worldwide – nearly one in five U.S. women will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime, according to 2010 numbers compiled by the National Resource Center on Sexual Violence—Sloss words are a stark warning.
As Sloss points out, the process of depriving sexual harassment of its normalcy begins with men talking about it, rather than ignoring it. Here’s how to get started.
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Listen when women talk about their experiences
One way for men to fully grasp the ubiquity of sexual harassment in society is to listen when women talk about their experiences. According to Heather Stevenson, a psychologist specializing in male issues, talking to women can lead to the insidious nature of the phenomenon so that discussions with men cannot.
She tells Lifehacker:
Coming from a place of curiosity and genuine openness usually has receptivity and hearing direct stories from people you know will likely have a greater impact on how you process information. If you still don’t feel comfortable starting a conversation with a woman in your life, watch one of these videos of women recording their street walking experience and the harassment that men experience. Then use this as an opener with someone you know.
It is impossible for men to rationalize the scale of harassment globally (whether on the street, online, behind closed doors in private homes, in the workplace, and beyond) without hearing it from women themselves. Listening to women will help men understand how close people may have been enduring this type of harassment for years, perhaps encouraging them to take action.
Take action with male allies
Beyond talking to women, men can go from involuntary people allies speaking when they witness other men’s misbehavior. Maintaining these conversations regularly is good and necessary, and men should constantly call out the cases of misogyny uttered by their friends, family, and co-workers.
But work becomes more actionable when men ally themselves with other people engaged in the cause. The University of Southern California School of Social Work he implores men to “maintain an ongoing dialogue with friends, colleagues and family, with the ultimate goal of encouraging more people to become active allies of the cause.”
For his part, Stevenson recommends some more specific advice, pointing to organizations such as A call to men i Home Enough as specific resources. She explains to Lifehacker that men should consult these groups, as they will allow them to “find other men who are already having this kind of dialogue or who are open to this kind of conversation as a way to continue and deepen the work.”
When it comes to casual friendships, Stevenson makes clear the distinction between positioning yourself as an educator and simply questioning comments you may find inappropriate.
“We don’t necessarily need him to always take on the role of educator with other men, although he’s much appreciated when he does,” he says. “But we need her to at least take on the role of questioner or rejection of comments / conversations” that perpetuate harmful notions about women.
Rethink how to talk about sex
Much of the casual misogyny woven into today’s social fabric begins with the way men socialize. Much of this is shaped by the mass media and the way women have been hyper-sexualized to the point of gelling themselves with stereotypical male tastes. In order to help a wider segment of men understand that their conception of femininity has been designed by a culture that positions women as objects that only exist in relation to men, men must break down the ways in which they have been taught to talk about sex. .
As Stevenson explains, men must question the popular images, portrayed in advertising, movies, and pornography, that openly sexualize women:
When the programming to which we are all subjected only portrays stereotyped roles, we are all passively conditioned to assume these beliefs and therefore act from a rightful place in response to these messages. The problem really comes from constantly questioning what feeds us, why, and who is behind the wheel driving these messages.
When men begin to understand that the representation of women in the mass media is a fabricated ideal, it will help eliminate the lasting impact of the problem. Luckily, if you’re a man who wants to help make a difference, you can do your part in relatively simple ways. It is imperative that you do so.