My brother-in-law is just over 40 years old and has health issues. He also suffers from mental health issues that are mostly undiagnosed due to his refusal to see anyone and basically does nothing but smoke weeds, drink alcohol and play video games.
Right now their parents are paying their mortgage, which I think is in their name, and I guess they are paying all their bills. His father takes care of the maintenance of his house and helps with food and “needs”. I guess they also pay their medical bills or just allow them to stop paying.
This year, my septuagenarian father-in-law had a health scare. My mother-in-law has also had health issues, although she is not life threatening. I fear that my brother-in-law, given his quiet lifestyle, may face additional health problems as he grows older.
I mentioned to my wife that they had to openly discuss with us about the estate plans. He agreed, but the issue is always left behind with them. His family doesn’t like talking about death or money at all. The best we can get out of it is that everything is divided in half.
I think it’s a big plan on paper, but I see two big problems. First, there’s the house that can’t just be split in half without selling it, which neither my wife nor her brother will want to do. It pays.
The Moneyist:My wife and I have 3 children. I also have 3 children from a previous marriage. How should we divide our house between these 6 children?
Maybe in a decade or so, my wife could pay him half the house and potentially buy it, but that poses the second problem. His brother can’t manage his own life right now, and I know what will happen if a couple of hundred grains fall on his lap.
Neither I nor my wife want me to be homeless, but I worry that she will be responsible for taking care of my brother-in-law. I think he will end up helpless after his parents leave if no one intervenes. At the same time, if they simply leave him money, he will waste it or possibly be taken over by debt collectors.
My wife and I are well accommodated and can handle money very well. Ideally, we could manage a trust to make sure the bills are paid so that you don’t end up homeless or starving. Viouslybviament, this is a delicate subject that comes from the son-in-law, especially with cunning in-laws about death and money.
I don’t want to change this guy’s bill when his parents don’t leave.
Any advice would be great.
Responsible son-in-law
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Dear son-in-law,
It seems like a combination of mental health problems and addiction. Sometimes one can lead to another. Helping your brother-in-law may require more than financial family intervention. That would mean the whole family would take the baton and tell him one by one that they love him and that they want him to stand up again and get the help he needs.
Depression has increased among middle-aged American men over the past decade. Baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964, have a higher risk of depression, according to a 2015 Gallup-Healthways wellness index survey. In the U.S., 14% of baby boomers are being treated for depression. This is significantly higher than the national average of 11%, double the percentage of millennials.
It can also cause more serious health problems. Studies have shown that being overweight or obese is associated with a higher risk of dying prematurely than a healthier weight, and the risk increases with extra pounds. More than a quarter of American adults define themselves as obese, but the actual obesity rate is close to a third of the population.
The Moneyist: My friend’s father buried $ 50,000 in his grandchildren’s garden. My friend has 2 children, but his spending brother has none. Do they have to divide it?
Your in-laws can explore options to make sure your brother-in-law is cared for after he leaves and that someone with mental health and addiction issues who also lacks life skills would not be able to manage their own finances especially a lump sum. They could make a provision in their will to allocate the proceeds from the sale of their home to a special needs or living income trust.
This may require a second intervention, which forces your in-laws to face the reality that their child is facing a long road to recovery and, if they do not want or cannot improve, they will have to adjust their estate plans in consequence. This could involve arranging an appointment with your in-laws and a financial planner and a real estate lawyer to discuss these issues.
There are many organizations that can help your parents, including the National Alliance on Mental Illness and the National Behavioral Health Council. Your brother-in-law may also benefit from some type of rehabilitation or recovery program. The Administration’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services helpline also provides crisis counseling to people affected by the pandemic.
Ultimately, you can’t force your brother-in-law or mother-in-law to seek the help they need, and perhaps, through a moment of grace, recognize that they have to face an unpleasant or difficult truth. You can do the best you can. But ultimately, you are not responsible for the lives of others, although it can be difficult to see how this situation deteriorates over time.
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Quentin Fottrell is the Moneyist columnist for MarketWatch. You can email The Moneyist with any ethical and financial issues at [email protected]. By emailing your questions, you agree to have them posted anonymously to MarketWatch.