The new agreement between divorcees in which they take turns the house, not children – Family – Life

Separating from a partner is always difficult, especially if the children get caught up in the process.

But some parents are turning to an innovative solution to make the process easier.

“Birdnesting,” or nesting, is an alternative that allows children to stay in their usual home and spend time with each parent.

Each legal guardian is at home during their agreed custody time, and goes elsewhere when he is “out of service.”

The concept gets its name from the way parents raise their chicks in the world of birds, keeping them safe in a nest and in and out of the nest alternately to care for them.

“We wanted to keep stability for the kids, and not just break it all at once,” says Niklas Björling, 38, of Stockholm, Sweden, the young family “nesting” for eight months after he and his woman separated.

“The kids had a chance to keep their home, school and friends as usual,” she explains, and they also avoid the stress of having to move between two homes.

An upward option

Although still a relatively unknown concept worldwide, birdnesting appears to be on the rise in Western countries, mainly among middle-class families.

Divorce lawyers have reported an increase in the number of “nests” in places like the US, Australia and the Netherlands.

In Sweden, where custody of children is shared equally, there has been an agreement reached by divorced parents for decades: some have even done so since the 1970s.

Björling stayed in his mother’s free room during his “time out” of children, while his ex-partner rented a room in a shared house.

Those with more resources can choose to buy individual apartments, invest in a second shared property, or turn part of the main home into an annex, says Dr. Ann Buscho, a California therapist who has written a book on “nesting.”

For many, it’s a “transitional or temporary arrangement,” but some of their customers have done so for years, he says.

However, as more families begin to adopt the concept, experts are divided on its impact on both children and parents.

What consequences can it generate?

Buscho says it’s important to understand the context behind the trend, including the influence of non-traditional celebrity parenting plans on millennial divorcees.

Actress Anne Dudek and her husband, Matthew Heller, made public that they were “nesting” after their divorce in 2016.

It is also known that actress Gwyneth Paltrow frequently stayed at the house she used to share with Coldplay musician Chris Martin, long after they separated.

“I think Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘conscious decoupling’ had a big effect here. They did a kind of modified nesting. And I think just the idea of ​​a divorce with respect and kindness had a big impact on people.” , says Buscho.

“There is simply more awareness of the fact that it is an option available to people,” notes Ben Evans, an expert in family law at Coop Legal Services in England.

Stephen Williams, another lawyer for the British firm Ashtons Legal, says that the mental health of minors is a priority.

“People have become much wiser about the need to think about their children’s development,” he says.

Does it really benefit minors?

Whatever the reasons why separated couples are testing nesting, judging their effectiveness is tricky.

Since it is a fairly new trend, there are no comparative data on child welfare in these types of families compared to other shared parenting agreements.

Buscho has interviewed dozens of families who “nest” for her research, in addition to herself doing so over a 15-month period with her ex-husband and three children in the 1990s.

He firmly believes that it is healthier for children as it allows them to follow routines and adapt more slowly to changes in the family.

“If you ask the kids, they’ll always tell you that divorce isn’t fun. They don’t know what a divorce without nesting is,” he says.

“But what they will say is that the parents bore the burden of the divorce and they did not.”

This is a perspective shared by Linnea Andersdotter, who is now 36 years old.

She went through this experience in Stockholm for several years, after her parents separated when she was 11 years old.

“Lol I felt like something very dramatic when they first let me know – they were going to break up – but when I found out I didn’t have to move, that really helped me not get scared,” he says. .

“They kept me in a small safe bubble while they resolved the issue of the breakup.”

But critics argue that it can create an “intermediate home” situation that doesn’t help children process reality from their parents ’separation.

Eline Linde, who lived like this near Oslo, Norway, when she was a teenager says the experience was “strange and confusing”.

“I didn’t know if it was mom or dad’s house, or if they were rehearsing because they were going to be together again,” the 28-year-old recalls.

“I think we should be very careful in promoting the idea,” agrees Malin Bergström, a child psychologist and scientist at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.

“It’s a way to protect children and protect them from reality, basically. I think it’s a threat to mental health,” he considers.

Instead, he says that “facing challenges together with parents, such as moving out of the family home, can give children the tools to become a resilient adult who can handle things in the future.”

Bergström also has doubts about the assumption that “nesting” is less stressful for children than moving between two-parent homes.

He participated in several large studies at the Center for Health Equity Studies in Stockholm, which suggested that there was very little difference in the mental health of children in typical shared custody arrangements, compared to those living in Stockholm. a traditional nuclear family with two parents.

What about parents?

There is also disagreement about the impact of nesting on parents.

Family law attorney Ben Evans believes it works for some couples because it can help “gain some time and relieve pressure on them.”

Both parties can reflect on future steps, argue, and avoid impulsive or costly decisions.

Buscho says a nesting period also provides a “respite” to help ex-partners find out what they want their long-term shared parenting plan to be like, or it could even facilitate reconciliation.

But Bergström argues that nesting can have a negative psychological impact on divorced parents, by stagnating their ability to overcome the breakup.

“The natural impetus after a divorce as a parent is to create your own life, deal with things, move on,” he argues. “And I think the nests are going against that momentum.”

Ase Levin, a 50-year-old Stockholm graphic designer, says this happened to her when she tried to nest for six months after she and her partner separated.

The couple came in and out of the same room rental when they were away from their two children: “I know we were both very anxious to be in this apartment … you didn’t have your things, so no it was a cozy place to go, ”he recalls.

“You’re stuck in some kind of bubble or something. You can’t do anything. You can’t move on.”

In the end, her partner stayed in her old apartment and her father helped her buy a small place within walking distance.

While “nesting” can reduce changes in children’s lives, it also creates new logistical challenges for adults, from discovering new routines for household chores to navigating what happens if someone starts dating someone else.

“A client came home and found a used condom in the bedroom when it was her turn. That didn’t turn out so well,” Buscho says. “There needs to be very detailed agreements.”

“You need to have a good relationship with your ex,” agrees Bodil Schwinn, of Sollentuna, Sweden, who says he had a good time for two years and plans to keep the arrangement going for at least another 18 months.

She and her ex-partner shared the cost of someone cleaning the house and buying things from the fridge as needed: “We never discuss things like ‘you bought meat’ or ‘you ate my meat or my cheese.’ we just take care of that, ”Schwinn says.

She put a limit on the fact that her ex’s new girlfriend slept in her shared bed every two weeks, so they agreed to turn her home office into a new bedroom.

“A lot of people think this is really weird, but I like it. I’m glad he’s happy and has found someone,” he says.

The future of implementation

Attorney Stephen Williams believes “nesting” isn’t a solution for everyone, and says newly separated parents shouldn’t feel pressured to get on the train.

For starters, some couples will lack the financial resources or support networks to find alternative accommodation during the “time out”.

He also says it won’t be the right choice if there’s still a high level of conflict, if one parent can’t commit to the arrangement, or if they just don’t feel like the right treatment.

“In my opinion, nesting is just one of several positive interventions that can help parents care for their children after separation,” she says.

But supporters of the trend hope it will become something more common.

Buscho points out that shared parenthood between divorced parents seemed radical in the 1950s, but is now widely accepted as a positive option for many families.

“My hope is that in the future, as the awareness of implantation grows, it becomes routine, for people to begin their separation process with a nesting period of a few months or even longer.” .

In Stockholm, Niklas Björling enjoys a small rental apartment within walking distance of his ex-partner, which he shares with his children every two weeks, and with his new girlfriend when they are not there.

Reflecting on his experience, he says, “I don’t regret having done that … But you want to release completely after a while.”

You can read the original English version of this article on BBC WorkLife.

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