Gird your loins, people: we are now 15 dead days from the release of Justice League by Zack Snyder, the film that will finally give fans of superhero movies exactly what they have always said they wanted, thus freeing our planet from their collective sense of anger and law, permanently, and probably winning Snyder a Nobel Peace Prize in the process. HBO Max, the company trying to mount in this disgusting fury of the digital digital base, has continued to provoke anticipation for the film, which today, means the company has released the titles of the chapters of Snyder’s epic, because God knows you can’t make a four-hour superhero movie without cutting it into titled chapters. (To be clear, all chapters will be released as a single four-hour film.)
In fact, Justice League will be cut in sis chapters, and — having gotten our affairs in order before the planetary realignment announced by the long-awaited re-release of the film — we thought we would make a good speculation without the old one about what each of these could do. demarcations mean.
Chapter One: “Don’t Count On It, Batman”
Now, a simple reading from A to B of the text would suggest that this is mainly focused on the initial portions of in 2017 Justice League, in which Arthur “Aquaman” Curry tells this exact line to Bruce Wayne when he rejects his offer to be one of his “warriors.” But given Snyder’s disdain for Joss Whedon’s film version, and his love for including additional villains in this new version, we can only assume that this chapter will include, and will focus on, an appearance of the classic Batman villain calculator (no count in it, see), possibly disguised as John the Baptist.
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Chapter Two: The Age of Heroes
A literal reading may suggest that this section will again summarize some of the sections of the later history of the original rotation of Justice League, showing the ancient battles between aliens, Olympians, Atlantic and Amazons against the great villain of the film, Steppenwolf, who wants to take them all on a magic carpet ride straight to hell. Meanwhile, the new version, we assume, will be 40 minutes of the film heroes telling each other ages as a kind of team building exercise.
Chapter Three: Dear Mother, Dear Son
Ray Fisher’s Cyborg reveals that the mystical mother box that brought both him and Superman back to life is also called, probably, “Martha.”
Chapter Four: “Switching Machines”
As Steppenwolf combines the motherboards to reshape the face of the Earth and announces the arrival of his owner, Darkseid, Bruce Wayne struggles to park his Knightcrawler SUV, doing what he spends 10 minutes trying to flatten a dollar bill around the corner. the machine until the damn change machine finally accepts it.
Chapter Five: All the King’s Horses
The darkest hour on Earth is averted when King Horse, the greatest hero on the planet, emits his Titanic Whinny, shaking Steppenwolf’s army to pieces. (The only human victim of the attack was a man named “Woss Jhedon,” who is buried alive with less than 40 tons of debris.) When General Apokaliptan asks for clemency, King Horse seals his fate in the ensuing debate. the League voting “No”.
Chapter Six: Something Darker
All members of the Justice League, as well as a Darkseid that suddenly appears, shoot directly at the camera, encouraging viewers to see the next, albeit less colorful, film “Justice is gray” version. King Horse shakes his big tired head and sinks to explore the stars.
And that’s credits, folks, barely four hours into your life afterwards. A rather titanic success on the part of Snyder and a fulfillment of his long beer vision for this united superhero.
Wait, really? An average credit scene and Newswire about the superhero movie? What low is this shit going to tip? Ugh, well:
Epilogue
Martian Manhunter appears, tells disappointed Ryan Reynolds fans that this is all they get this time around, so they could suck it up and enjoy it too.
Jesus.